


Every Man a Man  [I drink whiskey because I enjoy the taste.]

by glitterandlube



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-13
Updated: 2011-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-16 22:21:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paco tries to join a frat and fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Man a Man  [I drink whiskey because I enjoy the taste.]

**Author's Note:**

  * For [omens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/omens/gifts).



> I hate frats and yes, I am a member of like three honorary ones, shut up. Beta by Omens.
> 
> Setting: The University of Texas at El Paso.
> 
> Art at the end by Omens. Thank you!

Paco comes over to Jaime's house with some babble about pledging a Frat. Jaime stares at him flatly and says, "What about me makes you think I would be interested in hanging out with a fraternity? Is it my respect for women? My inability to tell my mother no? The part where I am a superhero who beats up drunk idiots? It's that last thing right?"

Paco frowns at him. "Frats are awesome. They aren't all date rapists and monsters. We should do this."

Jaime puts his hand on Paco's shoulder and says, "I hang out with Booster Gold and Guy Gardner. That's all the Frat House I will ever possibly need."

Paco says, "Fine if my best friend won't come with me, I'll find someone who will."

Jaime shakes his head. Alberto is quietly laughing into his breakfast.

 **Four days later...**

Superboy, Kid Flash, and Paco are sitting around the Reyes' kitchen table planning what they are going to do that night and whether they will need glow sticks or not. Paco votes not.

Jaime asks, "What in the hell are you doing, Paco?"

"I'm gonna be the only dude with superheroes backing me up at the pledge party man. They're going to be begging my ass to join."

Jaime says, "I want to tell you right now, this is going to go horribly wrong, and blow up in your face. Especially with Kid Flash there."

"Stop hating on Bart." Kon says to Jaime. "I told you he can't help it."

Jaime says, "You shut up you lying liar! Rose told me he's a creep and if freaking Ravenger thinks you're a creep..."

Bart says, "I appear to have eaten everything in your fridge. Is that an issue?"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Jaime yells.

His mom chides him from the kitchen, "Jaime, don't be rude to guests."

"I didn't invite anyone of these people here!" Jaime returns. "Paco, you don't actually live here!" He sulks as Paco laughs at him.

Bart sprints around the table a few times before climbing on Jaime and saying, "I'll grow on you. I'm like moss that way."

"Moss is gross and slimy!" Jaime says. "Get off me!" They crash to the ground as Bart attempts to block Jaime's efforts to unseat him, and Bianca says, "Alright, all of you get out."

"I didn't do anything!" Jaime says. He points at Bart and says, "YOU!"

Bart makes sad faces at him until Jaime relents and says, "Fine, but you still suck."

"I do not suck." Bart counters immediately. "Well, actually..." and Kon says, "Now is not that time."

Bart jumps up and says, "Fine, but you remember that for the future, Blue." He vanishes from sight, and Paco says, "What exactly is going on with you and him?"

"Paco, not everything is your business." Jaime replies.

"That's bullshit. Don't keep things from me." Paco insists. "You disappear for another year, and I will kick your ass, alien armor or not. I still have my mighty stick."

Jaime waves him off. "I have to patrol. You'd better make sure you're not one of the things I have to patrol for tonight."

Kon says, "You act like you don't trust me to keep these bitches in line."

"I can shoot kryptonite lasers." Jaime says flatly.

"We're headed out now." Paco says. "You stay away from the campus tonight."

Jaime rolls his eyes. He calls out, "NO FIRES!" after them as they walk towards Paco's jeep.

His mother says, "Be back by midnight."

"I am eighteen years old! I am going to college! I am a grown-up!"

"Midnight."

"I want to live on campus." Jaime says.

"I didn't realize group showers were something you're interested in." Bianca says. Jaime makes a face at her. She continues, "If you really want to share a room with someone, your cousin, Miguel, is looking for a place to stay after his mother kicked him out."

"I'll be back by midnight." Jaime says in a huff. He walks out the back door and flies off muttering to the Scarab about how ridiculous everyone he knows is.

 **At the Campus:**

Paco arrives and parks. Kon gets out of the jeep and calls out, "KID FLASH!" loud enough that some of the nearby car alarms go off. Paco says, "Huh. Wow."

Bart is suddenly in front of them. He says, "I got beer. Sol. I figured sun beer was good for you, Kon."

Paco asks, "How did you get beer?"

"I went to Mexico." Bart says. "The United States has stupid alcohol laws."

He hands the case to Kon who says, "Nice. Good job."

They head over to the house to sign in. Kon slaps the case of beer on some random dude who appears to be manning the door and the guy staggers a little bit. He peers at Kon's shirt and says, "This isn't a costume party, man.

Kon grins at him, and says, "I wear this all the time. The S-shirt is a part of me."

The guy stares at him with a funny look as Kid Flash grabs a beer, and he says, "Wait, are you actually Superboy?"

"Yeah. Give me on of those, KF."

Bart hands Kon a beer, and says, "I'll be around." Kon nods.

Paco says, "Beer Me," to the guy holding the now much lighter case. The guy says, "Ahhh, I'm not sure I should be giving you beer that belongs to be superheroes." Kon says, "He's with us, give him a damn beer," before Kon starts to mingle in the crowd. There is lot of loud music, lots of horrible dancing, and lots of alcohol. He's reminded of when he was a kid fondly.

He smiles at the ladies because that's how the universe works. People look at the shirt a little strangely, and then glance at him, but most people don't realize he's the actual Superboy because they're all drunk and why the hell would Superboy be at some frat party? So he can hang out in peace. He stakes out a corner and settles in, putting his feet up on the arm of the couch as he watches Bart poke at a keg of beer. He's watching someone do a handstand on the other keg, and he looks at Kon who says, "Get me some whiskey." Bart blinks and Kon adds, "Jack Daniels."

Four hours later, most of the kegs are gone, and Bart is spinning around the room. Four bottles of Jack Daniel and a bottle of Everclear are stacked in the corner. Kon is dancing with fourteen ladies at once, as Paco dances with two sisters who are smiling at him in a very positive way. Most of the frat boys are horrified and are trying to clear the guys out, but Kon ignores them easily. He pats one of the girls on the chest and then goes back for a second feel. "I love tits," he says reverently. "Can I touch yours?" he asks another girl who nods.

Bart finally flops down and he says, "I think the room is still spinning. Kon. Kon. The room is spinning. Okay, wait, it's done. Pfft. That was pathetic." He sits up and asks the room at large, "What else do you guys have to do?"

The head of the frat says, "You drank five kegs of beer! And you and that woman stealing weirdo drank half the bar! What the fuck!"

"Superboy isn't a weirdo." Bart says as he gets in the guy's face. Gold sparks in Bart's eyes as he says, "And it's not his fault he's hotter than you." Bart flips up the collar on the guy's polo shirt and adds, "Douchebag!"

"Get out of here!" The guy yells. "Fucking superhero menace!"

From the dance floor, Paco says, "Dude, you were supposed to help me get into the Frat, not get me kicked out the first night."

Kon says, "Why the hell would you want to actually join a frat? I thought we were stealing alcohol from morons? You make your goals clear before we attack."

"This was a good way to get alcohol and ladies all semester!" Paco replies. "Spread out man."

"Don't you smuggle shit over the border?" Kon says. "Just smuggle some tequila too or something." He finishes off another bottle of Jack Daniels and tosses it out the window.

The music cuts out as the police arrive.

Bart grabs Paco, and Kon, and flees outside immediately. They all regroup outside as Paco tries not to puke from being jerked around so fast.

Kon says, "You know what. I think there are other pledge parties going on right now. I think Bart and I should make it up to you by visiting all of them."

Bart says, "I could be up for drinking more kegs."

Paco notes sadly, "I'm going to be the most hated guy on campus."

"Oh relax, with Bart and I around, no one is even going to notice you." Kon says as he floats up in sky. "We head west, men, for booze and hot chicks. From the smell, I think there is weed too. Onward!"

They slip in a back window and join the party in progress as Bart scouts out additional parties.

Kon and Paco drink a lot more in the meantime and dance with a lot of random people. Paco mourns the loss of sisters as they leave the party to experience nature closely because Kon refuses to pee in a bathroom covered in what looks like semen.

Of course, a fire does break out, but in a completely different part of campus that they have nothing what-so-ever to do with. Even Bart is blameless.

Paco, from the ground, mentions going over to fight the fire, but he's having trouble even sitting up.

Kon says, "Eh, let the others handle it."

Paco asks, "Is Jaime here?" He looks up at the sky, but everything is a little blurry and Jaime's suit kind of blends into the night.

Kon points up to the sky to where a glowing green guy and a viciously shiny gold guy are flying around. He says, "Green Lantern and Booster got this shit."

Guy and Booster drop down after they put out the fire, and Booster says, "Hey, Conner. What are you guys doing here?"

"Drinking. Fucking. The usual. You know." Kon says nonchalantly.

Guy laughs and says, "It's nice to see the next generation coming along so well."

Bart hands Guy a Bohemia and Guy ruffles his hair. Guy says to Booster, "I adopted the best Flash. The other Lanterns are suckers." Guy thinks this over, and adds, "Except Kyle because Kyle is awesome."

"Where's my beer?" Booster asks, deciding not to mention Guy's crush on Kyle again. It's less fun to do when Bea isn't there to make crude suggestions anyway.

"Are you my Lantern?" Bart asks. "No? Get your own."

"See if I help you in your quest to harass Jaime from now on."

Bart's eyes widen and suddenly many many beers are at Booster's feet.

"See, being vaguely immoral is the way to go." Booster says. Guy nods. Booster isn't saying anything that Guy doesn't already know.

Kon and Paco wander back to another party with Guy and Booster. Guy ends up in the middle of the room, sharing his wisdom of the ages to a rapt audience while Booster draws on their fridge with a series of very under dressed co-eds. He grins at all of them happily. Guy calls out, "I will tell Ted on you."

Booster insists, "I'm not doing anything!" as he signs a few t-shirts and maybe one or two chests while making sure Guy isn't looking. [Guy later tells Ted that Booster was hitting on 19 year olds and Ted shrugs. He's pretty confident that Booster loves him best. He strokes Booster's hair where Booster is passed out in his lap. Rip frowns at them until Ted throws a pillow at him. The pillow they drew a hand flipping the bird on to be clear. The other pillow has a hand making the ta'al sign.]

Kon kisses seventeen girls that night, and sleeps with two of them. Paco gets laid with twins. Bart drinks most of another keg and has sex with three people in the back of a limo. He emerges dressed in someone else's underwear and a sundress that he refuses to take off. Kon agrees the color brings out his eyes.

The next morning, Jaime and Tim are staring down at Paco's prone form. Paco has one arm over an empty keg, and the other over two ladies who are huddled together in their underwear and t-shirts. He's snoring loudly into the grass. They're all on the front lawn of UTEP.

Kon is in asleep in one of the trees. Flower petals fall as he shifts around. Tim sighs heavily. He should have left the Teen Titans in the hands of Cassie.

Bart appears carrying a pile of stolen underwear and says, "Panty raid complete!"

Tim notes, "You're not allowed to watch Animal House again."

"But!" Bart starts, "That's Kon's favorite movie!" He drops the underwear on the ground and asks, "Did anyone ever find out what step two was exactly?"

Jaime starts laughing.

 **Post Script:**

Kon comes over to Jaime's house and says to Paco, "Look, I know you wanted to join a frat for free booze so I put one together for you."

Paco says, "How's that?"

Jason Todd, and Roy Harper walk into the house, and Roy says, "Okay, first club meeting is being held at the strip club of your choice."

Jason says, "I request a classy strip joint or I'll have to stab a bunch of people and that's kind of messy. I really just want to eat a steak and look at tits today."

Jaime says, in horror, "Don't you kill people? Paco, don't you dare go out with these guys! Roy is crazy or something! Jason murders people! Kon, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Paco says, "He's a little upset he's not a bro. You know."

Kon nods. "Tim was all pissy about this too. And Dick. Whatever man."

They leave to go hang out at Jaguars, stopping first to pick up enough whiskey and beer to put the entire club in a coma. Jason hands out money for lapdances because he's a nice guy before he goes over to have a word with the rest of the patrons, who get up and quickly leave.

Paco says, "Uh, what is that about?"

"If I want a classy joint, I have to make it classy first." Jason reasons. "They looked like dealers anyway, and Roy doesn't need to be near those kinds." He puts a gun on their table as the bouncer approaches, and the bouncer decides to stay by the door.

Roy ignores him and calls out, "Ladies! Come Hither. I need many lap dances as soon as possible."

Six hours later, Paco is drunk and telling a very nice dancer about his failed attempt to pledge a frat and Roy is talking directly to someone's boobs about his tragic life. Jason and Kon are making fun of Tim who has shown up to inform them all that Kon is grounded forever and ever while carefully avoiding looking directly at any of the dancers.

"It's not going to hurt you to see some tits here, Tim." Kon says. "I mean, they're awesome. Everyone loves them."

"It's rude and disrespectful..." Tim starts as Kon talks over him to say, "It's their goddamn job, do you like unemployed people you rich bitch?"

Jason laughs himself sick at the look on Tim's face before he levers himself up and plants a sloppy kiss on Tim's cheek. "Don't be so judgmental, Baby Bird. That's Bruce's job."

Tim looks at Kon and says, "I hate you."

Kon says, "Which part do you hate? My legs? My muscular pecs? My perfect abs?" Kon pulls up his shirt to display them, and Tim says, "You! I! Shut up Conner!"

Kon touches his stomach for a minute absently, and then says, "You should give me a blowjob."

Tim says, "We're leaving now."

Kon grins hugely up at him, and says, "Hell yeah."

Tim yells, "JASON PETER TODD IF YOU ARE NOT OUT HERE IN EXACTLY THREE MINUTES I AM SELLING YOUR FAVORITE ROCKET LAUNCHER TO THE BULGARIAN MAFIA."

Jason walks out of the bathroom two minutes later and says, "That's hurtful."

Paco falls out of his chair, dead asleep on the floor. Kon picks him up, and says, "Come on, Roy, pissy bitch here is out of patience." Roy says, "He just needs a good dicking. Speaking of which, you know who else needs one?"

"Let me guess, Dick?"

"Yes." Roy says as he tries to stand up. "I should be the one to do it too. Because." Roy trails off as he starts saying something about green panties. Kon picks Roy up, and they walk out of the bar.

Art by Omens.


End file.
